A Christmas Cracker

As my regular reader may have noticed I'm not around here too much these days....there are two very good reasons for this.

1. Regular paid writing work takes up too much time
2. My anger with the world is generally kept in check by reason 1.

Anyway as it's Christmas time I thought why not....

Right Christians here we go....

The figures from the last census showed that 11% of the UK population regularly attend church whilst 16% of the population are left handed.

Where's this going I hear you ask...well sit tight and I'll tell you.

Given these figures why do the TV news programmes persist in obtaining soundbites from the Clergy about the issues and stories of the day?

Why don't they seek out my opinion? after all as a leftie I can claim to represent a larger portion of the population than they can....

Just a thought!

Anyhoo....enjoy the festive season.

Filmstar

Right here's something else I don't understand....

You are at a gig seeing a great band rock the house....WTF do you spend the evening staring at the screen on your mobile phone as you try and "capture the moment"?

Whilst mobile phone technology has advanced greatly over the years all you are achieving is a piss-poor quality momento of the show. Trust me your friends will not be impressed and You Tube does not need any more shite posted on to it.

Money...That's What I Want

Value wiped off the share price in the last few days = 33%

Estimated withdrawls following recent run on the bank = £2bn

Current assests = £113bn

The look on the tellers face when I visit the branch and ask to OPEN an account = Priceless

A Passing Thought

What if The Hokey Cokey really is what IT's all about?

Blue Monday

Proof once again, if any were needed, that there is no justice in the world.

As I read of the sad death of music mogul and professional Manc Anthony H (Tony) Wilson I started to consider other music figures we had lost and those that survive them.

Consider this…

Elvis is dead yet Cliff Richard continues to make records.
Joe Strummer passed away while Elton John lives.
John Lennon is gunned down on his doorstep whilst Paul McCartney wins GQ Man Of The Year 2006.
John Peel died whilst Steve Wright has an afternoon show on Radio 2.
And now the world loses the founder of the seminal Factory Records yet Simon Cowell continues his relentless bid for world domination.

So farewell then Tony you not only “lived the dream” but you convinced others to follow your lead. With Factory and The Hacienda you changed the face of music in The UK.

The world bids farewell to another maverick…we have so few left now.

I think it would be fitting leave with a line from one of the many excellent Factory releases that provided the soundtrack of my youth. So as Electronic sang on Disappointed

At the back of my mind,
I believe what you said,
Dream…

Sex Crime (1984)

As another high profile celebrity, Chris Langham, is convicted of offences against children my mind drifted back to a previous case involving Pete Townsend of The Who.

I recall that in his defence Mr Townsend claimed that his credit card details turned up on a child pornography website due to research he was doing to assist the writing of his autobiography. Now this took place in 2002 and to my knowledge we are still awaiting publication of said book. Either Mr. Townsend is a slow writer or publishers have shown no interest in the manuscript. It couldn’t be anything else now could it?

Whilst I’m discussing celebrity crimes of a sexual nature my favourite is the case of Paul Reubens aka Pee Wee Herman who was caught having a wank whilst “enjoying” a movie in an adult cinema. WTF else would he be doing there? It’s not like you watch a porn movie to marvel at the acting, the dialogue or even the soundtrack.

Ca Plane Pour Moi...

...as well as being the title to the greatest single ever released I have now decided to embrace Plastic Bertrand's call to arms as my motto.

For those not in the know there is no precise translation of this phrase although "This Life's For Me" is not too far off the mark.

It is time to get off my arse, stop feeling sorry for myself and "do stuff" what is not hugely important, just do it as a certain sportswear firm would say.

Stop living in fear and embrace the moment. That's the new me.

If you are not familiar with the song hop over here and be educated...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Km2qrc9nqCg&mode=related&search=

Icarus Landing

Finally it has arrived.

Those skeletons that we all have in our closets cannot stay hidden for ever…no matter how hard we try. You can run but you cannot hide and someday when you least expect it you will fly too close to the sun and, like Icarus before you, come crashing back to earth. Only then will the grim reality of life and what you’ve tried to leave behind begin to make sense.

The cause of the worry at the back of my mind has been gnawing away at me for around ten years. I don’t remember the last time I was asleep long enough to dream.

Today it revealed itself and proved to be more horrific than I had feared.

I have always known that this moment was inevitable but somehow that does not make it any more palatable. Strangely though I feel energised by the thought of what may unfold in the coming days and weeks.

How Wrong Can You Be?

News has just reached Davenelli Towers that Strathclyde Police have released a statement denying any terrorist attack at Glasgow Airport.

According to sources the incident arose as a direct result of Nikki Lauda being late for check in.

This statement has been confirmed by John Smeaton.

Working Class Hero

John Smeaton....we salute you.

http://www.johnsmeaton.com/

Generation Terrorists

Two men steal a Jeep Cherokee, fill it with explosive matter and drive it into the front of the main terminal building at Glasgow Airport in a totally inept attempt at suicide bombing.

All they managed to do was start a little fire and burn themselves...what a pair of wankers.

Any eight year old kid in Glasgow can steal cars and raise fires.

Look fuckers...have you not heard about the internet? Trust me you can "Google" just about anything you want including bomb making techniques.

Forget al-Qaeda...this pair were about as scary as Al Gore.

Shit I smoke...I've more chance of killing myself than being taken out by dumb fucks like them.

And A Bang On The Ear

Terrorism comes to Glasgow.

Fantastic…only in this city would we get the dumb ass terrorists that can’t even pass Terrorism 101.

A Jeep Cherokee is driven into the front of the airport terminal and bursts into flames…the bomb inside fails to detonate and one of the idiots in the car catches fire and promptly leaps from the vehicle only to be twatted by a native.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/6257194.stm

Stupid fucks…don’ these people realise that we lived through the IRA bombing campaign?

Do they really think this shit will scare your average Glasweigan?

If they do they are as good at gauging the local psyche as they are at planting car bombs.

My Humps

Today I am mostly pissed off by....

1. False morality and those who wish to impose theirs on me
2. Societys victims...and those who want to be.
3. Fake sentiment
4. People who ask you to fulfil a task for them and never bother to thank you, use your work or have the balls to tell you it's not quite what they were looking for.
5. Politics, politicians and the art of spin.
6. Hypocrisy in its many forms.

But mainly I am confused that on the one hand we are told that we live in a multi-cultural society and we should embrace the traditions and customs of each other....the next we are told that actually we've changed our minds and can you just take off that head scarf?

Cards on the table now boys...which is it to be?

I intend to explore each of these themes in the weeks ahead. So stay tuned.

Working For The Yankee Dollar

Just finished reading the Sunday paper....yes I know it's Monday but I've been busy.

Anyhoo...as usual I left the Business Section until last (one of the advantages of not working on a Monday...I don't have to be up to speed on this stuff until Tuesday morning).

At the back of the Business Section is the Sits Vac. Now having been in continuous employment with my current employer for about a decade I am not especially looking to move but I always like to see what's out there.

I sumbled across an advert for a Trainee Manager...not the kind of position I'd gor for but I read on anyway only to discover that this Trainee was expected to have two years experience. What the fuck is that all about?

How can you be a trainee with two years experience? Did I miss a meeting?

The Ugly Truth

You know I do expect to get hate mail about this one but I've previously posted about Israeli foreign policy so....

Anyhoo...I feel that this has to be said and I've bitten my tongue for too long.

When is wilful neglect not considered to be neglect?

This is the question that has been on my mind for more than a week now.

The answer appears to be when the parents involved are middle class “educated” people.

Now to me this stinks of double standards…

Let’s look at the evidence…

A couple on holiday lock their sleeping pre-school children in their home and leave to enjoy a meal in a nearby restaurant.

The eldest of the children is subsequently abducted.

Some would say that is a tragedy….I say it’s a fucking outrage.

That child relied upon those parents to care for it and keep it safe yet the press seems to have overlooked this. Instead they prefer to concentrate on the social status enjoyed by the parents and present a sympathetic front.

Now let’s for a moment pretend that rather than being professional people the parents were in receipt of welfare payments and were visiting a run down resort on a bargain break to enjoy some sun, sea and cheap booze….can you just imagine the outcry that would have caused?

Newspaper editorials would have been baying for blood and demanding that the couples other children immediately be taken in to care, that the mother be sterilised, their welfare payments stopped etc….The couple would have been crucified.

Instead of this justified outrage what do we get???

An endless stream of the great and the good lining up to send some words of sympathy to the parents in front of any TV crew that will stick a camera & a boom mike in their face. And later throwing a wedge of cash into the reward fund which now tops £2.5m.

I would like to make it clear that I truly hope the little girl is found safe and well as in all of this she is the one character who does deserve our sympathy.

As an innocent child it must be truly horrific to be let down so badly by the two people you love and trust most.

Unwahsed And Somewhat Slightly Dazed

So I arranged to meet my friends at the comedy club. This one takes place a couple of nights a week in the basement of a city centre bar. Being my usual tawdry self I arrive last. As the show has already started I silently take a seat at the table and nod hello to my friends.

The comedian is ok but nothing special although he does manage to raise a smile or two. Finally the compare arrives and winds up the first half of the show. At last I can get a drink.

My penance for arriving late is that it is my round at the bar.

Having established who is drinking what I rise from my seat and approach the bar only to encounter the most amusing thing of the evening

Stationed behind the bar was quite possible the fattest woman I have ever seen….she was fat and I mean like Orka fat. Whilst I generally don’t laugh at fat people I have to make an exception in this case as splashed right across her chest it read

GAP Athletic.

If only she was….

I Don't Care

I know I promised I would be back...and here I am.

Just opened my mail this morning and amongst the usual credit card offers, book club invitations and bills I received a letter from a friend. Now being a traditional sort of chap I always enjoy the thrill of good old fashioned written correspondence.

But sadly not this one. Why's that Dave? I hear you ask.

Well pull up a chair and I'll tell you.

I have friends spread far and wide across the world...in many different countries and continents. In the USA, Egypt, Spain, Belgium and France to name but a few. This letter however eminated from much closer to home...a hundred or so miles to be precise.

Now as this friend lives so close I see them every month or so...not the 18/24 months as is the case with some of my friends.

Anyhoo...for some inexplicable reason this friend decided to enclose a photograph of his children with the letter.

Why do parents do this? Are people really that proud of the fact that they have managed to have sex once or twice in their life? Do they really think anyone give a rat's arse? And whilst to the parent their child/ren are the most beautiful in the world...to the rest of us they are fucking ugly.

Please remember that I am a hetrosexual male here...Why on earth does he think I give a fuck about his offspring?...Christ! I struggle to maintain interest in my own most days....This is not to suggest that I dislike my own children...I honestly don't.

It's more a case of failing to see the usefulness of progeny. Since child labour laws were introduced stopping them from being sent up chimneys they are no longer as profitable as they once were. Indeed children could be considered nothing more than a drain on ones time, energy and finances these days. Although should I ever need blood or a kidney....

In saying all of this please remember that your children will choose your nursing home so be good to them.

Dead Leaves & The Dirty Ground

Well spring has sprung and the clocks have changed and finally I my get up and go seems to have returned...after several months of moping around feeling sorry for myself I seems to have my taste for living back.

I spent the afternoon sitting on a bench in the Botanic Gardens enjoying the warmth of the sun on my face and just watching the world pass by...a simple pleasure I know, but a pleasure none the less.

Anyway my restored enthusiasm can mean only one thing...yip! new postings and a wealth of shite for you to wade through.

Friend Or Foe?

Just a quick post which I hope you can help me with.

As I said I’m currently moonlighting elsewhere doing paid writing work. Part of this has involved utilising myspace. This is where my query comes from.

I initially joined myspace as I wished to leave a message on the page of an acquaintance and unlike blogger there was no facility to do this anonymously so sign up I did.

I then quickly realised that my profile looked bad as I have no friends other than Tom and everyone gets him so it doesn’t count. An hour or so later I managed to round up some people that I knew and added them to my profile. Confident that my work was done I retired to the sofa for a coffee and a cigarette.

A couple of days later I logged on again to discover that people were now requesting that I be their friend. Now this was interesting, especially as they were all record labels/artists. One or two were known to me, some were not.

Anyway….what I want to know is….what is the etiquette for this?

If a band ask to be your friend and you think they are awful should you accept their offer of friendship regardless or is it appropriate to decline and point out their shortcomings?

I really would appreciate your thoughts on this one as it is preying on my mind and everyday that passes sees more requests appear some of which really suck.

If you care, which I doubt, my page can be found at

http://www.myspace.com/davenelli

I'm Still Around

I'm not crazy I've just been lured away to do some proper writing for a short time.

As you've got here you may as well make yourself at home. There's beer in the fridge and older posts in my archive.

I'll be back soon...I promise.