I Don't Care

I know I promised I would be back...and here I am.

Just opened my mail this morning and amongst the usual credit card offers, book club invitations and bills I received a letter from a friend. Now being a traditional sort of chap I always enjoy the thrill of good old fashioned written correspondence.

But sadly not this one. Why's that Dave? I hear you ask.

Well pull up a chair and I'll tell you.

I have friends spread far and wide across the world...in many different countries and continents. In the USA, Egypt, Spain, Belgium and France to name but a few. This letter however eminated from much closer to home...a hundred or so miles to be precise.

Now as this friend lives so close I see them every month or so...not the 18/24 months as is the case with some of my friends.

Anyhoo...for some inexplicable reason this friend decided to enclose a photograph of his children with the letter.

Why do parents do this? Are people really that proud of the fact that they have managed to have sex once or twice in their life? Do they really think anyone give a rat's arse? And whilst to the parent their child/ren are the most beautiful in the world...to the rest of us they are fucking ugly.

Please remember that I am a hetrosexual male here...Why on earth does he think I give a fuck about his offspring?...Christ! I struggle to maintain interest in my own most days....This is not to suggest that I dislike my own children...I honestly don't.

It's more a case of failing to see the usefulness of progeny. Since child labour laws were introduced stopping them from being sent up chimneys they are no longer as profitable as they once were. Indeed children could be considered nothing more than a drain on ones time, energy and finances these days. Although should I ever need blood or a kidney....

In saying all of this please remember that your children will choose your nursing home so be good to them.

No Religion

It's this time two years ago. Eldest daughter(ED) is starting to get very excited about her forthcoming Christmas concert at nursery. She is aged three and a half.

The finale of the concert is when each child in her class stands up, holds a letter aloft and says a phrase linked to their letter. The letters in turn spell out CHRISTMAS JOY.

ED is delighted as she has been allocated the letter J, which also happens to be the first initial of her name. ED is happy and I am happy that she is happy so everything is well with the world.

Until...we go shopping one Saturday afternoon. ED decides that she wants to practice her phrase to ensure that she has it spot on for the big day. Being an indulgent kind of fella I agree that this would be good.

I then find myself wandering down Byres Road in my neighbourhood, where I'm rather well know with a small angelic looking child telling random pedestrians that J is for Jesus at maximum decibels.

A fair number of acquaintances of mine that we met that day now believe that I am a closet member of the God Squad.

And for this I paid that damn nursery an obscene amount of cash each month.

If You're So Smart.....

I have previously posted on the inqusitive mind of my 5 year old daughter (ed). Don't worry if you don't recall it's not required knowledge. Although you can read it here if you are that interested.

http://irritationsoflife.blogspot.com/2006/08/kids-you-cant-beat-them.html

Anyhoo today Ed asked another of her marvellous left field questions. Previous entries in this category include...

If you blow out a match where does the flame go?

Why is the sky blue?

Today's winner

Why is gravy liquid?

How do you even begin to tackle that?

Kids, You Can't Beat Them...

I've spent the last couple of weeks looking after my eldest daughter. This was neccesetated by the fact that she finished nursery at the end of July and does not start school until tomorrow. I'm sure after a couple of weeks of hanging out with dad she will be delighted when the school bell rings.

I am now of the opinion that five year old children can solve the worlds problems if given the opportunity. Let me give you an example of why I believe this.

The following is an excert from a recent conversation between me and eldest daughter(ed) whilst walking along Byres Road.

ed - what's the man doing daddy?

me - he's fixing the road.

ed - why is he fixing the road?

me - because it's broken.

ed - why is the road broken daddy?

me - mainly due to central governments poor transport policy and their continued neglect of the infrastucture.

ed - what?

me - ok, there is too much traffic and not enough maintenance.

ed - how long will it take the man to fix the road?

me - given the local council's track record on these things he may be some time.

ed - what's the council?

me - it's the people we pick to run the city.

ed - Is that what you do when you go to vote?

me - yes and sometimes you make the wrong choice and end up with idiots.

ed - if they are idiots why do people pick them?

me - why do people watch television programmes like Big Brother and read tabloid newspapers? because people can be idiots.

ed - (and now from left-field) what's the name of the man fixing the road?

me - I have no idea.

ed - Why don't you know his name?

me - because I have never met the man.

ed - I WANT you to know.

me - OK, his name is John.

ed - Why is he called John?

and so on...

I once read an article that stated the average 4 year old will ask around 400 questions each day. Amateurs, ED can ask that many before breakfast. She is like a one woman Spanish Inquisition (and remember no-one expected the Spanish Inquisition).

This got me thinking. Each day by late afternoon I was mentally exhausted by the sheer volume of answers I had provided and would pretty much of agreed to anything if it bought me five minutes respite.

So my suggestion is this...if the UN is serious about solving the dispute in the middle east I would be happy to allow the leaders of Israel & Hezbollah to spend a day with me & ed. The only condition is that they must field her endless questions. By the end of the day she would have then agreeing to a permanent peace treaty whilst sobbing like a couple of little bitches.

And hey why stop there. Send round OJ. She'll have him singing like a canary in a couple of hours.

I'd like to apologise in advance to whatever teacher get the pleasure of EDs company for the year, she is a good kid, just a little inquisative.