Fuck me! I've just been reading an article in today's Independant regarding Hollywood and the salarys paid to the "major stars". This article stated that Tom Cruise earned $100m (£55m) for the piece of shite that was War Of The Worlds. I mean $100m for a film that was at best laughable and at worst an insult to the intelligence of everyone with an I.Q. in excess of Forrest Gump.
I started thinking about this and I remembered a theory that the great comedian Rich Hall did about the films of Tom Cruise. According to Rich Hall, Tom Cruise simply recycles the same basic plot for each of his movies. It goes something like this...
- He was a...(insert appropriate occupation here)
- He was a pretty good (same occupation as before)
- He had a crisis of confidence
- A woman helped him through it
- This one is optional. He proves to be a great (occupation from step one)
Now let's apply some of Mr Cruise's movies to this theory.
Top Gun
He was a pilot, he was a pretty good pilot, he suffered a crisis of confidence and Kelly McGillis helped him through it.
Days Of Thunder
He was a NASCAR driver, he was a pretty good NASCAR driver, he suffered a crisis of confidence and Nicole Kidman helped him through it.A Few Good Men
He was a lawyer, he was a pretty good lawyer, he had a crisis of confidence and Demi Moore helped him through it.
You should try this for yourself it's fun.
So there you have it $100m for the same shite he produced in Risky Business 23 years ago. He was a teenager, he was a pretty good teenager, he suffered a crisis of confidence and Rebecca De Mornay helped him through it.
Sour grapes from me, probably, do I care? No.
The mighty Rich Hall is appearing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival between Friday 4 August 2006 and Monday 28 August. Tickets can be purchased online at
http://www.assemblyrooms.com/home/
If you happen to be there on the 12th you can buy me a drink in the bar.
