Ship Of Fools

Ok readers today's topic for discussion is...Jack Black, nope not the Mindstore Guru but the actor/musician of the same name.

I first encountered Mr Black in the Will Smith movie "Enemy Of The State" a movie so poor not even the ever watch able Gene Hackman and Jason Lee could save it. However, I was strangely drawn to the overweight computer geek character Fiedler played by Jack. Whoa I thought here is someone new and interesting.

Fast forward a few years and the movie adaptation of Nick Hornby's book High Fidelity hits the screens. As a fan of the book I ventured to my local cinema to view the movie. Lo and behold but doesn't Jack Black steal every scene he's in. On the TWAT Davenelli radar his star is most definitely on the rise.

Fast forward a few more years and I have come to the conclusion that Mr Black is a royal pain in the arse.

Shallow Hal - shite
School Of Rock - shite
King Kong - shite
Nacho Libre - shite
Tenacious D: The Pick Of Destiny - I can't even begin to describe this one, so I'll settle for shite

Jack Black has become the bastard love child of Robin Williams and Jim Carey. He is completely unable to offer anything beyond the one persona. Oh look at me, no not him, ME ME ME!!!! Aren't I wacky and edgy?

Talk about two fucking dimensional. Why is this man so popular? Other than to prove that Warhol was right and that a minute amount of talent can be stretched an awful long way.

Yes, yes Jack we've seen it all before, yawn! Now fuck off and learn to act.

Sorry I just had to get that off my chest.

To The End

It's January 1991 and being unable to sleep I am sitting on the sofa watching a truly shite movie. Tough Guys (ironically enough as it turns out) starring Burt Lancaster & Kirk Douglas. Just the kind of brain numbing rubbish I need to send me to sleep. About thirty minutes into the movie the broadcast is interupted with the announcement that Operation Desert Storm is under way.

Around this time my sister, who was home on vacation, returned from a night out. As she was living in that part of the world at the time we sat glued to the screen until dawn watching the images. I finally went to bed at sunrise wondering how the movie panned out.

Fast forward to last night. Once again I am unable to sleep so I turn on the TV in search of something mind numbing to view. Lo and behold what had just started? Yip! got it in one...Tough Guys starring Burt Lancaster & Kirk Douglas.

After a decade and a half of wondering I now know how the movie ends.

I've got to say it wasn't worth the wait.

Cut The Crap

Just had the misfortune to watch The Devil Wears Prada. Without a doubt the worst film I've seen since...well since Tom Hanks last made a movie.

Review? You want a review?

Ok here goes...

Working Girl for the new millenium.

Simply...

A film by cunts

For cunts

And starring cunts (well the characters are, I'm sure the actors are all fine individuals)

Don't do it...you'll never regain that two hours of your life.

Not even the sweetly pretty Anne Hathaway could redeem this.

About halfway through I'd lost the will to live. Strange thoughts started to float around my head like...

Do Anne Hathaway and The Joker from Batman share the same mouth? They certainly use the same lipstick.

Expensive Turkey

Fuck me! I've just been reading an article in today's Independant regarding Hollywood and the salarys paid to the "major stars". This article stated that Tom Cruise earned $100m (£55m) for the piece of shite that was War Of The Worlds. I mean $100m for a film that was at best laughable and at worst an insult to the intelligence of everyone with an I.Q. in excess of Forrest Gump.

I started thinking about this and I remembered a theory that the great comedian Rich Hall did about the films of Tom Cruise. According to Rich Hall, Tom Cruise simply recycles the same basic plot for each of his movies. It goes something like this...

1. He was a...(insert appropriate occupation here)
2. He was a pretty good (same occupation as before)
3. He had a crisis of confidence
4. A woman helped him through it
5. This one is optional. He proves to be a great (occupation from step one)

Now let's apply some of Mr Cruise's movies to this theory.

Top Gun

He was a pilot, he was a pretty good pilot, he suffered a crisis of confidence and Kelly McGillis helped him through it.

Days Of Thunder

He was a NASCAR driver, he was a pretty good NASCAR driver, he suffered a crisis of confidence and Nicole Kidman helped him through it.


A Few Good Men

He was a lawyer, he was a pretty good lawyer, he had a crisis of confidence and Demi Moore helped him through it.


You should try this for yourself it's fun.


So there you have it $100m for the same shite he produced in Risky Business 23 years ago. He was a teenager, he was a pretty good teenager, he suffered a crisis of confidence and Rebecca De Mornay helped him through it.


Sour grapes from me, probably, do I care? No.


The mighty Rich Hall is appearing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival between Friday 4 August 2006 and Monday 28 August. Tickets can be purchased online at

http://www.assemblyrooms.com/home/

If you happen to be there on the 12th you can buy me a drink in the bar.