Strange Kind Of Love

I have a friend, and yes I know that they all say that, who has been single for the last seven years. This despite the fact that he is the right side of 30 and recent reports stating that this city has 40,000 more single girls than boys.

In an attmept to find a soul mate he recently decided to sign up for an online dating site. Having received a number of responses from female singletons he asked if I would assist him in narrowing down the choice. Firstly I had to establish how old my friend was when he received his first dental filling. This information is important as it relates to Davenelli's first rule of dating. Which is...

"If you have a filling older than the lady/gentleman you like then move on...the age gap is too large"

So armed with a list of user i.d.s I duly logged into the dating site concerned. Unfortunately in order to view the member profiles I first had to register. Having already agreed to assist my friend this created something of a dilemma. However, on checking out the site I was reassured by the fact that registration was free and that you could specify your reasons for visiting, marriage, dating, friendship etc. I promptly set about creating a profile for myself and specified that I was merely looking for friendship and the opportunity to learn more about other cultures.

Anyhoo…once my registration was completed I was free to browse the aisles of lonely hearts. I duly started my task of reading the profiles of the ladies who had contacted my friend. I have to say that I was more than a little surprised. Not by the fact that there are that many lonely people out there but rather by the admissions/disclosures that people are prepared to make in an attempt to find a partner.

Here are a few of the things I genuinely came across in the profiles which I consider to be just plain wrong…

DO NOT – tell your prospective beau/s all about your recovery from breast cancer. Yes I appreciate the enormity of what you have been through but surely this is something you should perhaps save until you are more acquainted with your new friend. Rightly or wrongly this may be off putting to prospective partners as they may deem you to be “damaged goods”.

DO NOT – go into great detail about the abuse you suffered as a child and how this led you into a destructive marriage which with the aid of counselling you are now coming to terms with. Once again this is surely best saved until you have built up some trust with that special someone. An admission of this nature at this stage will simply single you out as a “victim” and will almost certainly attract the wrong sort of suitor.

In addition I have a couple of other pieces of advice for singletons out there who are considering this online dating lark…

If you have a rather large tattoo of a man’s name on your body it may be an idea to cover it up before having your photograph taken for your profile. I came across the profile of a rather pretty young lady who had the word DANIEL etched in rather large letters on her upper arm and boldly displayed in the photograph attached to her profile. Unless your prospective partner is named Daniel this may be a little off putting.

If you have been beaten with the ugly stick do not post a photograph of you standing next to your most attractive friend. This will make a prospective date feel like the unlucky contestant on a game show when the host pulls back the curtain and says “come and see what you could have won”

I know this sounds harsh as beauty is only skin deep but in a few of profiles I’ve looked at this would mean that the individual concerned is actually inside out.

Rightly or wrongly we are all to a certain degree shallow and influenced by the aesthetic of the individual. Let’s be honest here, The Elephant Man could have the most dynamic personality in the universe but I bet he’d still spend most weekends home alone.

Anyway I finally e-mailed my friend a list of the ladies that I believe would be most suitable for him. I then made a coffee and thanked my lucky starts that I am not involved in the dating game.

Oh, that reminds me I must go back and cancel my account with the site.