*** Warning...Possible serious post ahead***
Throughout the months I've been posting here I've tried not to give away too much about myself. This was a concious decision on my part. I now fear that in order to achieve what I think I may be looking for that it is inevitable that I "give something of myself up".
Are you still following this? I'm not sure that I am.
For the last 15-20 years I've always assumed that I was bulletproof. I'm no longer quite so sure. Likewise for the last 12 years I've convinced myself that I was happy doing what it is that I do. Again I'm not too sure that this is the case.
So what has brought about this moment of epiphany I hear you ask?
The answer is I'm not sure. How's that for insightful?
To try to get to the bottom of things I've been exploring my past. If I can make sense of this then I may be able to progress my future.
Anyway enough with the double-talk.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away I used to be a creative person. I worked as a photographer, I made music (ok music may be pushing it, but I did play with a garage band). I've also been a DJ and run succesful club nights. For an assortment of reasons I left all of this behind and got, what my parents would have considered, "a proper job". I now find myself with children, a mortgage, debt and a career which does not inspire me one iota.
I now often find myself asking...how did it come to this?
This year my circle of friends has altered a little with a few people coming into/back into my life. These people I suppose have made me realise that I need to begin to stretch myself again. They have also been responsible for reconnecting me to the "scene" that I was once a minor part of.
I think what I have enjoyed most about this is that a lot of the people I am now interacting with view me as Davenelli. Not my internet persona but simply as me. This is in stark contrast to a section of the people I am leaving behind. Too many of this group view me as being nothing more that the father of J&D. This is not to suggest that there is anything wrong with being a father, it is merely the case that that is no longer enough for me.
Is this selfish and wrong? I don't think so.
Anyway as I said earlier I'm still not too sure of what it is I am looking for or indeed how I can get it but I thought this may be a start.
1 comment:
Wow! Thanks for letting us in a bit more. I understand much of what you're experiencing. I sincerely believe that you are a better parent if you are happy. How often have you heard stories of fathers who work non-stop, coming in late, leaving early, emotionally absent when they are there? You are not just a paycheck Dave. I applaud your efforts to find yourself and greater satisfaction. Your family will reap the rewards.
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