I Hate Tom Hanks

Read an article today that stated the opeining sequence of Saving Private Ryan had been voted the best movie battle scene of all time. Having recently viewed the movie for the first time on DVD I would have to go along with this. It really is a spectacular piece of film making. I can only imagine how much more spectacular it would have looked on the big screen.

So tell me Dave, I hear you say, why did you not go to the cinema to see the movie when it was released? I'll tell you why, two words...TOM HANKS. I'm sorry to say that I have an unnatural loathing for everyones favourite blue collar guy. But Dave you cry he is a great and talented actor who has won Academy Awards. Sorry to disappoint you but I still think he's rubbish.

Let's examine the evidence against Mr Hanks shall we?

According to imdb.com Tom Hanks has made 32 movies that have gone on general release here in The UK. How many of those are any good? Precious few I'll wager.

• The Money Pit - no
• Volunteers - no
• Dragnet - no
• Punchline - double no. Increadibly a movie about stand up comedians with no jokes.
• Turner & Hooch - not a good sign when you are out acted by a dog
• Joe Vs. The Volcano - no comment needed
• The Bonfire Of The Vanities - a dog from start to finish
• A League Of Their Own - there's no crying in baseball, no but there were tears from the cinema audience who realised that they would never see their £4 or that 90 minutes of their life again.
• Philadelphia - well done to the Academy. Once again someone playing a role featuring disability/disease scoops the big prize, how very original.
• Toy Story - now this was one of his better performances but then he was only providing the voice to an animated puppet.
• Cast Away - I'll tell you if he was a member of my family I don't think we'd even of bothered reporting him missing.
• Sleepless In Seattle/You've Got Mail - unfuckingbelievable. It's the same movie featuring the same starts. The only difference if that the release dates were 5 years apart. More proof that Hollywood really do believe that we are all dumb as stumps (see earlier post re unrequired labels for more info)
• Forrest Gump - without doubt the most cynical and evil piece of movie making I have ever had the displeasure of viewing.

Ok now I hear screams from the back, but Dave how can you say this about good ol' Forrest? After all life IS like a box of chocolates...

As the old cliche goes there are two sides to every story. Let's think about Forrest for a second. What you saw was a cutesy fable about a dimwit who accidently became a success and who loved his mamma very much. I agree that the film does indeed work on that level to a degree.

Now let's examine the movie from Davenelli's point of view.

The film features two main protagonists. Tom Hanks as Forrest and Robin Wright as Jenny Curran. Let's look at how their lifes pan out.

Forrest is, like George W. in Florida, a few votes short of an election victory. He loves his mother very much and refuses to question authority. Christ the boy even accepts his mothers cod philosophy at face value. Life is like...etc. Sorry dumbass but every box of chocolates I've ever encountered (and being a fat man I've seen a few) has featured an inlay card clearly showing the treats contained there in. By not questioning authority Forrest makes a tremendous success of his life. He is, amongst other things, a ping-pong champion, decorated Vietnam Vet, founder of Apple computers and all round good egg.

Jenny however takes a different path. She is a free spirit who experiments with drugs, protests against the Vietnam war and ultimately dies of "a mystery virus".

So for me the evil underlying message of this movie is "do what your government wants and you'll be ok! but be a pinko commie lover and you'll die of AIDs.

Oh no, I've done it again. Another paranoid post. Ho hum!