The Dr Is Ready For You Now!

Good evening. In response to last nights posting I have received some rather alarming feedback. Rather than follow the normal procedure of responding to the message by leaving further comments which you (the reader) may never see I thought I'd make a post out of it as it may benefit more than the lady concerned.

Eeeeeeeeeeee said...
Dear Dr. Dave,

You say the list is for women but can it be applied to men? In my house I'm the footie fan and the beloved boy is not.

Why of course it can. As I have mentioned previously I am new to this blogging lark and I obviously did not do my research regarding my potential audience. Please accept my apologies for simply reverting to obvious gender stereotypes. I promise not to let this happen again. Ladies if you are, like E, the football fan in your home simply change the heading on the list. The remaining instructions stay as they are.

I know that this may sound extreme E, but have you ever considered divorce. There is obviously something far wrong with "your beloved boy".

E then went on to state that...

Also - as I will be in the US for almost all of the event - can you give me any advice on how to survive in the most unfootball friendly nation on the planet?

This is obviously a much tougher area, even to a man of my considerable experience. There are a number of different approaches that may work.

1. Team USA (as I know they like to be called) have qualified (made the cut) for this tournament. Start by referring to The World Cup as The World Series (this should get the natives on your side immediately) then try and convince everyone around you in the good ol' US of A that they have a great chance of winning the thing (you & I know this is not the case but they wont). In my experience your average American likes nothing better than the opportunity to prove their superiority to the rest of the world and then spend the next (insert number of your choice) years crowing about the achievement.
2. If you are hanging out with sports fans try and teach them the basics of the beautiful game. Start by explaining that it is a game of two halfs (sorry no quarters here). Move on to clarify that free kicks, corners, fouls etc are not timeouts and finally confuse them with the revelation that draws are acceptable (in the group phase anyway)
3. If you are hanging out with "ladies who lunch" go for the lowest common denominator. Talk up the pretty boy players. Choose your examples carefully. Henry of France, Lampard & Beckham of England, Boruc of Poland should all go down well and get at least some of the ladies interested. Ronaldo & Ronaldinho of Brazil and Oliver Khan of Germany are less likely to be succesful in this area.
4. Discuss the merits of the star players that will be on display. The mercurial skills of Argentina's Riquelme, the breathtaking ball control of Brazil's Ronaldinho or the rugged, no nonsense defending of England's John Terry. You may also wish to mention that for a number of footballing stars this will be their final fling. Zinedane Zidane and Henrik Larsson being two of the more obvious ones.
5. Inform anyone who cares to listen that, if selected, 17 year old American Freddy Adu (pictured above) has the potential to be a sensation at this tournament.
6. Remind the Americans that they hosted the damn tournament a mere 12 years ago. It may help your cause if you compliment them on the fine job they did too.
7. If steps one through six fail you can always seek out the Columbian, Mexican or Italian bars/delis/shops in the neighbourhood where you are staying. Like most of the rest of the world these countries truly are fans of "The Beautiful Game" and will be glued to the action non-stop.

I do hope that this advice helps. Roll on the Greatest Show On Earth.

More information can be found at the official World Cup Site.

http://fifaworldcup.yahoo.com/